Happy 5th Birthday Baby Girl

 To my sweet angel Alice

Happy 5th Birthday

 I can not believe that it has been 5 years since I have held this sweet baby in my arms, since I have been able to kiss her, sing to her and feel her close to me. The short time we had together seemed a life time ago, but the pain feels so fresh.
Through the journey of being a bereaved parent I have learned so much. I have learned that trying to make the pain go away doesn't work.
All year long I fight the fight of being a bereaved mother. I hold strong, I try to help others, I hold back the tears, I withstand all the many comments that one gets in my situation and by the week of my children's birthday it is like a whole year of emotions comes flooding through my tear ducts and onto my pillow (or Tayce's shoulder).  

 But, the journey is not all tears of sadness. This little beauty has taught me how big my heart is. How much capacity it has to love. She has taught me that I am a mother and I became one 7 years ago when I was pregnant with Graydin. Her spirit and her personality calms my soul and helps me to see clearly.

 Miss Alice has helped me see the world in a different light. She has helped me to get through anger and distrust and helped me gain hope in my life. Her and her siblings have made me a better person and a better mama for sure.

 The week of her birthday is hard. I miss her. I miss the things I could be doing with her. How excited she would be that we are at Grandma's for her birthday. I miss knowing what she would look like and how happy Olivia would be if she was here. I miss the tangible touch of my baby girl. I want to hear her and see her. I wanted to see her give her part at the primary program and know what she would want on her plate at Thanksgiving and what would she have said when Grandma said "When you pick up your plate tell us what you are thankful for."

 I want to be able to see her face light up when Riley walks in the room or hear her squeal when Uncle Tyler and Aunt Jessie come to visit. Who would her favorite cousins be (I  have my guesses). I want to see her sit on Grandma D's lap and listen to stories and I wonder if Uncle Jess would scare her or if she would fight back. Would she love her Aunt Lindy the way that Olivia does and who would her neighbor friends be.

The loss of a child is so much more then "I am sorry Lacie for you miscarriage, just have more kids." The loss of a child is every single thing I miss out on everyday. The fits and the laundry, the noisy house and the homework, the endless dishes and the picky eaters. The smiles and the hugs, the kisses and the stories, the snuggles and the laughter. What I think about everyday of my life is what if they were here, what if I was like the other mom's who have kids running around, what if I had gymnastics and dance and soccer. But, I do not, not yet, not in this life.
I don't say these things to make anyone feel bad. If you don't understand I am glad. I say them because I think most people forget that many years after a loss it still hurts. Being a mother never ends even if the majority of my children are in heaven. The pain I feel is real and it is real for so many. I guess what I hope is that someone reads this and remembers someone in their family or life who suffers and you treat them a little kinder or have a little more understanding for them or you say their babies name.
I hope on this day that Alice can be more then a dead baby, but a part of a family. A person that lived and is remembered.

I love you my sweet baby girl. Every single day I anticipate the day I get to hold you in my arms and kiss you. You are my calm, you are the big sister and I love you with all my heart. I hope you are having a big party up there with all your friends and your brother. :)

SUMMER TIME 2015

This is all mixed up, but here are some of our 2015 summer adventures! 

 Reading magazines in the Snow College Library. We have been a few places as Tayce applies for jobs and interviews with different places across the state.

 Olivia had fun at Snow College. We didn't get a job there, but we do get to spend time there frequently because Riley is going to school there this fall. He is a Snow College Ambassador this year!

 We love having our friend Brittni over and Lucy loves her best friend Britt! We also love having Margot over, we have even got to babysit her over night!

 McDonald's with the Pollocks! We have had fun times with our friends the Pollock this summer. Sleepovers, dinner, game nights and we even went to the movies!

 MINION MOVIE with the Pollock boys and Uncle Tyler and Aunt Jessie! So much Fun!

 Enjoying treats after the movie!

 Well this is Olivia and her many sleep positions!

 We have been to the park a lot this summer! This is when we went to "a new park" Canyon Park in Cedar has some new equipment and Olivia and Tay and I have some fun spinning on the spinning toys!

 Well, Lucy is our new dog. Well she is not new, but Riley is gone and she stayed so now she is our travel companion!

 Been to Delta a few times this summer. Olivia says "I LOVE DELTA" We go to the museums, splash pad, park and library. She thinks it's pretty fun.

 Here she is pointing to Delta SUGAR BEET (this is for Grandma Nae). Sugar Beet is Olivia's nickname from Grandma.

 Taking naps is always a good summer activity.

 We have had many appointments in St. George this summer. With her physical therapist, heart doctor, sleep doctor, occupational therapist and whoever I have forgotten. But, she has done great. We have learned how to do water therapy in the pool and got new braces and even have been learning to peddle a bike!

 Went to Grandma D's house with the Dusty and Lori family! So much fun to be with cousins!

 Well something was bothering her. Sounds, lights and textures have been bothering miss O a lot and she has found inventive ways to deal with it. :)

 Hanging out with Riley has been fun.

 We put our home for sale. Got a swamp cooler. And have been packing up the house so we are ready when it sales.

 Went on a lot of walks. We love going on walks with our friends Emily and Daph and Darce. It is so much fun!

 Went to the 4th of July parade together!

 Been bowling! Look how festive Tay is!

 The cousins stopped by! And we went bowling to see the skills of Ember and Braydon! They are taking a bowling class!

 We had goats for a little bit and they drove us crazy. So we don't have them anymore. :)

We went to the Ren Fest and little miss got a face painting! She did so good and even tried the bounce house! She is doing such amazing things!

Riley Moved

 So Riley turned 18 and moved out! He moved over to Gunnison for a couple of weeks and now he is in Ephraim getting ready for school to start!

 Olivia was not too happy about the move.

 Tyler and Jessie stopped by and got to say hello and goodbye to Riley Man also. So, let's just say Olivia had a hard day of people leaving her. (Those of you that don't know this about Olivia, she does not like people leaving at all! She just wants everyone she likes to stay and live at her house.)

 She was crying and being so sad that her family was moving. She kept telling us that Riley is in her family so he needed to stay.

 We told her that we could still be a family even in Riley went to college.

He is loving being gone. We had a conversation the other day that we missed each other, but not living together. It was mutual. I miss having him over for dinner and playing games and hanging out, but he doesn't have to live with me to do that. :) Love you Riley Man! 

24th of July

 We traveled north for the 24th of July weekend. Luckily Tayce was able to work from my mom's house and he even got to come! My nieces from Arkansas were at my mom's and were so excited to spend some time with them.

 Riley and Madison playing at Aunt Laura's after the parade in Spanish Fork. We counted 13 or so REAL floats, which was impressive in our day of fancy cars and fake floats. :)

 The night of the 24th we got to go to the RODEO! Kelbi kept calling it the radio, which was confusing and funny. Olivia loved dressing up like Grandma Nae. It was a fun night.

 Grandma Nae watched miss Olivia for us so we could go on a temple date. She got to go to the park with her cousins.

 Tayce and I went to the Provo Temple and then we found a great restaurant called Banana Leaf.

 Riley came and hung out with us for a bit. It was good to see him. We have been missing him since he moved out on the 16th.

 Grandma Nae had some sparklers for us to do. It was the first time Olivia had done them The girls were super cute.

Overall it was a good weekend. Love spending time with family and loved seeing those nieces. Hopefully we get to see them again soon.