To my sweet angel Alice
Happy 5th Birthday
I can not believe that it has been 5 years since I have held this sweet baby in my arms, since I have been able to kiss her, sing to her and feel her close to me. The short time we had together seemed a life time ago, but the pain feels so fresh.
Through the journey of being a bereaved parent I have learned so much. I have learned that trying to make the pain go away doesn't work.
All year long I fight the fight of being a bereaved mother. I hold strong, I try to help others, I hold back the tears, I withstand all the many comments that one gets in my situation and by the week of my children's birthday it is like a whole year of emotions comes flooding through my tear ducts and onto my pillow (or Tayce's shoulder).
But, the journey is not all tears of sadness. This little beauty has taught me how big my heart is. How much capacity it has to love. She has taught me that I am a mother and I became one 7 years ago when I was pregnant with Graydin. Her spirit and her personality calms my soul and helps me to see clearly.
Miss Alice has helped me see the world in a different light. She has helped me to get through anger and distrust and helped me gain hope in my life. Her and her siblings have made me a better person and a better mama for sure.
The week of her birthday is hard. I miss her. I miss the things I could be doing with her. How excited she would be that we are at Grandma's for her birthday. I miss knowing what she would look like and how happy Olivia would be if she was here. I miss the tangible touch of my baby girl. I want to hear her and see her. I wanted to see her give her part at the primary program and know what she would want on her plate at Thanksgiving and what would she have said when Grandma said "When you pick up your plate tell us what you are thankful for."
I want to be able to see her face light up when Riley walks in the room or hear her squeal when Uncle Tyler and Aunt Jessie come to visit. Who would her favorite cousins be (I have my guesses). I want to see her sit on Grandma D's lap and listen to stories and I wonder if Uncle Jess would scare her or if she would fight back. Would she love her Aunt Lindy the way that Olivia does and who would her neighbor friends be.
The loss of a child is so much more then "I am sorry Lacie for you miscarriage, just have more kids." The loss of a child is every single thing I miss out on everyday. The fits and the laundry, the noisy house and the homework, the endless dishes and the picky eaters. The smiles and the hugs, the kisses and the stories, the snuggles and the laughter. What I think about everyday of my life is what if they were here, what if I was like the other mom's who have kids running around, what if I had gymnastics and dance and soccer. But, I do not, not yet, not in this life.
I don't say these things to make anyone feel bad. If you don't understand I am glad. I say them because I think most people forget that many years after a loss it still hurts. Being a mother never ends even if the majority of my children are in heaven. The pain I feel is real and it is real for so many. I guess what I hope is that someone reads this and remembers someone in their family or life who suffers and you treat them a little kinder or have a little more understanding for them or you say their babies name.
I hope on this day that Alice can be more then a dead baby, but a part of a family. A person that lived and is remembered.
I love you my sweet baby girl. Every single day I anticipate the day I get to hold you in my arms and kiss you. You are my calm, you are the big sister and I love you with all my heart. I hope you are having a big party up there with all your friends and your brother. :)
