Hello fellow followers!
I have started another blog. It does not replace this one at all. This new blog is my blog that I post gospel related topics, studies and experiences. I have been thinking about it a lot and I have finally done it and I am so excited! I would like to share it with you.
www.findingmyway2012.blogspot.com
Someday I will make a button or something for this blog to link you to my new one, but I need some assistance with this whole blog thing. So, it is under construction and will have some changes, but there is the FIRST post!
Love you all and picture update of Miss Olivia will come by Sunday!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
MUST SHARE
My dear friend posted this on her blog the other day and I had to share it. With her permission I have put her post on here to share with you all. She expressed herself in a way that I didn't know how to do, but I totally cried when I read this and I just knew where she was coming from.
Lately I have said things like Olivia is growing to fast, and after so many praying for her to grow and then I say things like that I felt ungrateful, but after reading this I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way.
Just read it and you'll know what I mean.
To Anyone With Parents
We went to a wedding last night. Ethan got a little bit fussy during the father/daughter/mother/son dance, so I took him out to change him. I'm not even that big of a "Butterfly Kisses" fan, but maybe it was because I'd had a hard day (not as a mom, just as a person...and I'm allowed that here and there, even though I don't often give myself mercy enough to have a bad day). Maybe it was because right before that song, they'd played "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri for the bride and groom dance, and I'd never heard that song before, and while the bride sobbed, I got to hold and look at and kiss my sweet baby as I heard the beautiful words of that song.
Maybe it was a combination of those things, but as I walked down the hallway and into a dark, empty classroom at the church where the reception was being held, I couldn't hold back the tears and I ducked into the classroom and wept as I went about changing my baby's diaper as usual.
Being a mom hurts. And people who don't have children, or who haven't had a new child in twenty plus years, don't seem to understand this. They tell me I should be grateful for every moment, that I should revel in the joy that each new stage brings about, that I shouldn't be sad about the changes.
I have taken to heart the advice I was given when I was pregnant and that I receive daily as a new mom. I have cherished every moment. I have loved every second, even the harder ones, because I know it will go fast, just like everyone told me. I've never regretted becoming a mother, or wished I'd waited a little longer, or wondered if I should have done this. I've opened my heart to my son and let the love I feel for him wash over me constantly.
And yet, despite all my efforts to cherish and love every moment, it still goes by too fast. And it still hurts. Because you fall in love with someone, only to watch them change into someone else every day. Development at this age goes by so quickly. Think about your spouse. We are all constantly evolving, but relatively speaking, your spouse is the same person they were six months ago. They probably look about the same and sound the same and do the same things. My son is six months old. He is a completely different person today than he was six months ago, when I first held him in my arms. His hair is a different color, his eyes are a different color, he's six and a half inches taller and weighs more than double what he did then. He couldn't even smile six months ago and now he gasps and scream-laughs like a little adult when I walk in the room and make a face at him.
So yes, each stage is new and exciting and wonderful and there is so much joy in all of it, but there is also the heartache that accompanies losing the person they were last week as you fall in love with the person they are today. My heart feels the physical ache of this paradox. Growing pains.
I miss velvety newborn skin and dark, nearly black hair and navy blue eyes. I miss wondering if he'll ever grow eyebrows or eyelashes. I miss that first week, when he'd cry and someone would place him in my arms and he'd instantly stop crying once he locked eyes with mine, and we'd stare at each other, developing an understanding. I miss when he didn't have the ability to express his excitement the way he does now, and how he'd hear my voice and his eyes would widen as much as they could and he'd kick his feet because he just couldn't do anything else with himself to show how excited he was to see me. I miss watching him look curiously at his hands, then put forth is arm and gently bat at something nearby as he learned his hands had useful qualities that were, up until that point, undiscovered.
Something about the words of the song they were playing while the bride and groom danced with their parents. "I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek tonight." It pulled my heartstrings because now I know a little something about how a parent must feel on their child's wedding day. It sounds silly because Ethan is only six months old, but those six months have flown at the speed of light and I can't help but wonder if the next twenty years will fly by equally fast. If I'll be dancing with my son at his wedding, wondering how this could be happening when I only brought him home from the hospital weeks ago. It was only weeks ago, right?
This is such a sweet and special time because he has no idea how imperfect, how flawed I am. The only thing he knows right now is that I am his mother, that I love and adore him, and that he feels the same way in return. He won't always feel that way about me. I told my husband the other day that right now, it's easy to feel like a good mom. I strive so hard every day to make sure that he is safe, that he is loved, that he is healthy, that he's properly fed, that I work with him on his development and encourage his education. We don't have to work on behavior yet. Right now he's this wonderful, pleasant, blessedly easy baby that I get to adore. It's when he gets a little older that things get confusing, that all the books and methods get conflicting. It's when we get to the behavior stages that I could really mess things up.
I read once in a book called The Five People You Meet In Heaven that all parents damage their children. Youth is like glass, and some parents leave little scratches or cracks in the glass, while others shatter it completely, beyond repair. Okay, so in some way, despite all my best efforts, I will damage my child, at least a little bit. I need to accept that. Okay.
We all pick apart our parents. We analyze what they did right and wrong in raising us. It's a part of the process of self-actualization. It's necessary and we all do it. And someday, my children will do the same with me.
But when that day comes, whether it be when he's ten years old and embarrassed and annoyed because I want to hug him, or when he's a surly teenager who is mad at me because I've wronged him in some way, or when he's a grown man starting his own family; he's not going to be thinking about all the hours I spent lying next to him while he took his naps, staring at his face and thinking how perfect it is, memorizing every feature because I know tomorrow he won't look the same. He won't be thinking about how he was the subject of so many of my earnest prayers. How I prayed and tried every day to be a better woman so I could be the mother he deserves. He won't think about how I could hold him or look at him for hours, thinking how I'd never loved like this, wondering how I was worthy to become his mother, how I could be so blessed just to hold him close and bask in his presence. He won't think about how his smiles and the simple act of resting his head on my shoulder could make my whole day. That I looked at him and thought how I would love him forever, and that I had loved him a thousand years before he was even born. How I felt that way because I couldn't remember a time I didn't love him, when I didn't live for him.
To anyone with parents, go hug your mom. Let her smell your hair. I know a little something about how she feels about you. She likely laid next to you for hours, watching you sleep and wondering how there ever existed a world that didn't include you in it. She probably looked at you and felt her heart grow and thought she was the only person in the world who'd ever felt that way. I know, because it wasn't that long ago for me, how she felt the first time she held you. If you call her and she nags you or worries too much about you, I know how she feels, and please, don't react with so much impatience and annoyance. Just let her love you.
"I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more."
By: Lola
Lola thank you for your beautiful word and for letting me share them.
Lately I have said things like Olivia is growing to fast, and after so many praying for her to grow and then I say things like that I felt ungrateful, but after reading this I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way.
Just read it and you'll know what I mean.
To Anyone With Parents
We went to a wedding last night. Ethan got a little bit fussy during the father/daughter/mother/son dance, so I took him out to change him. I'm not even that big of a "Butterfly Kisses" fan, but maybe it was because I'd had a hard day (not as a mom, just as a person...and I'm allowed that here and there, even though I don't often give myself mercy enough to have a bad day). Maybe it was because right before that song, they'd played "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri for the bride and groom dance, and I'd never heard that song before, and while the bride sobbed, I got to hold and look at and kiss my sweet baby as I heard the beautiful words of that song.
Maybe it was a combination of those things, but as I walked down the hallway and into a dark, empty classroom at the church where the reception was being held, I couldn't hold back the tears and I ducked into the classroom and wept as I went about changing my baby's diaper as usual.
Being a mom hurts. And people who don't have children, or who haven't had a new child in twenty plus years, don't seem to understand this. They tell me I should be grateful for every moment, that I should revel in the joy that each new stage brings about, that I shouldn't be sad about the changes.
I have taken to heart the advice I was given when I was pregnant and that I receive daily as a new mom. I have cherished every moment. I have loved every second, even the harder ones, because I know it will go fast, just like everyone told me. I've never regretted becoming a mother, or wished I'd waited a little longer, or wondered if I should have done this. I've opened my heart to my son and let the love I feel for him wash over me constantly.
And yet, despite all my efforts to cherish and love every moment, it still goes by too fast. And it still hurts. Because you fall in love with someone, only to watch them change into someone else every day. Development at this age goes by so quickly. Think about your spouse. We are all constantly evolving, but relatively speaking, your spouse is the same person they were six months ago. They probably look about the same and sound the same and do the same things. My son is six months old. He is a completely different person today than he was six months ago, when I first held him in my arms. His hair is a different color, his eyes are a different color, he's six and a half inches taller and weighs more than double what he did then. He couldn't even smile six months ago and now he gasps and scream-laughs like a little adult when I walk in the room and make a face at him.
So yes, each stage is new and exciting and wonderful and there is so much joy in all of it, but there is also the heartache that accompanies losing the person they were last week as you fall in love with the person they are today. My heart feels the physical ache of this paradox. Growing pains.
I miss velvety newborn skin and dark, nearly black hair and navy blue eyes. I miss wondering if he'll ever grow eyebrows or eyelashes. I miss that first week, when he'd cry and someone would place him in my arms and he'd instantly stop crying once he locked eyes with mine, and we'd stare at each other, developing an understanding. I miss when he didn't have the ability to express his excitement the way he does now, and how he'd hear my voice and his eyes would widen as much as they could and he'd kick his feet because he just couldn't do anything else with himself to show how excited he was to see me. I miss watching him look curiously at his hands, then put forth is arm and gently bat at something nearby as he learned his hands had useful qualities that were, up until that point, undiscovered.
Something about the words of the song they were playing while the bride and groom danced with their parents. "I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek tonight." It pulled my heartstrings because now I know a little something about how a parent must feel on their child's wedding day. It sounds silly because Ethan is only six months old, but those six months have flown at the speed of light and I can't help but wonder if the next twenty years will fly by equally fast. If I'll be dancing with my son at his wedding, wondering how this could be happening when I only brought him home from the hospital weeks ago. It was only weeks ago, right?
This is such a sweet and special time because he has no idea how imperfect, how flawed I am. The only thing he knows right now is that I am his mother, that I love and adore him, and that he feels the same way in return. He won't always feel that way about me. I told my husband the other day that right now, it's easy to feel like a good mom. I strive so hard every day to make sure that he is safe, that he is loved, that he is healthy, that he's properly fed, that I work with him on his development and encourage his education. We don't have to work on behavior yet. Right now he's this wonderful, pleasant, blessedly easy baby that I get to adore. It's when he gets a little older that things get confusing, that all the books and methods get conflicting. It's when we get to the behavior stages that I could really mess things up.
I read once in a book called The Five People You Meet In Heaven that all parents damage their children. Youth is like glass, and some parents leave little scratches or cracks in the glass, while others shatter it completely, beyond repair. Okay, so in some way, despite all my best efforts, I will damage my child, at least a little bit. I need to accept that. Okay.
We all pick apart our parents. We analyze what they did right and wrong in raising us. It's a part of the process of self-actualization. It's necessary and we all do it. And someday, my children will do the same with me.
But when that day comes, whether it be when he's ten years old and embarrassed and annoyed because I want to hug him, or when he's a surly teenager who is mad at me because I've wronged him in some way, or when he's a grown man starting his own family; he's not going to be thinking about all the hours I spent lying next to him while he took his naps, staring at his face and thinking how perfect it is, memorizing every feature because I know tomorrow he won't look the same. He won't be thinking about how he was the subject of so many of my earnest prayers. How I prayed and tried every day to be a better woman so I could be the mother he deserves. He won't think about how I could hold him or look at him for hours, thinking how I'd never loved like this, wondering how I was worthy to become his mother, how I could be so blessed just to hold him close and bask in his presence. He won't think about how his smiles and the simple act of resting his head on my shoulder could make my whole day. That I looked at him and thought how I would love him forever, and that I had loved him a thousand years before he was even born. How I felt that way because I couldn't remember a time I didn't love him, when I didn't live for him.
To anyone with parents, go hug your mom. Let her smell your hair. I know a little something about how she feels about you. She likely laid next to you for hours, watching you sleep and wondering how there ever existed a world that didn't include you in it. She probably looked at you and felt her heart grow and thought she was the only person in the world who'd ever felt that way. I know, because it wasn't that long ago for me, how she felt the first time she held you. If you call her and she nags you or worries too much about you, I know how she feels, and please, don't react with so much impatience and annoyance. Just let her love you.
"I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more."
By: Lola
Lola thank you for your beautiful word and for letting me share them.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
5 MONTHS OLD!
HOLY MOLY!
Miss Olivia is 5 MONTHS old!
I can't even believe it! She has grown so much in the last little while. She is looking so dang cute. Every time I am not with her for even a hour I feel like she's gotten cuter. I just didn't know she could get any cuter. Really I didn't know that I could love three children as much as I do. After I had Graydin I thought how the heck do I love a little person I didn't even get to know, but I did and I thought no way I can love another as much as him and then my beautiful Alice came into my life and I thought WOW my heart can love another, but no way I can love more then this and then my miracle came and I love her more and more every day. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me a heart that could hold so much love!
Happy 5 months of being with us my dear sweet Olivia! WE LOVE YOU!
Apartments!
Hello friends and family. Just posting this, just in case you are in Iron county or know someone coming this way for school. We are gearing up for our selling season! We now have 43 apartments we are over and have a goal to fill them up! Thanks to you all.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Oh So Happy!
Well hope that this brightened someones day. Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Oh, the ramblings in my head.
Well, I have no pictures to post, so I assume many of you will click the X and move on to another page. But, that's okay.
This post is to let out some of my ramblings in my head. First and foremost life is good. I have no reason to complain, I am blessed!
Things that have been going through my head are things like what are you doing with your life. I look at my precious baby girl and know what I am doing with my life, but for some reason (my mom blames it on her) I think I need to be doing more more more. I feel like I should be working and that my life needs to be so busy I want to pull my hair out or something. Well, I know I don't need to be like this, but it is like etched into my brain that that is how I work. Really I had Graydin and took a few days off and was back to work and school and then I had Alice and I hardly took any time at all off. I know the situation is different because Olivia is here, but I guess my brain tells me time to work! I had to go back into my old job the other day and I didn't know how to feel. I was so torn being there. It made me feel like I was a part of something again, but then as I walked out and went to my car I realized that, that is not my life anymore. My life is Olivia, my life is being a mother, my life is remembering and celebrating all of my children, my life is striving to be better each day so I can be with my sweet babies again, my life is different now.
When comments are made like "you wasted your time going to school" or "what are you doing with your life" it makes me think and sometimes I wonder if I did waste my time or forget my 'dreams' and as I ponder and think and listen I know what the answer is. I DID NOT waste my time. My time at SUU was amazing, I made some of the bestest friends I have today, I learned to serve, I learned to lead, I learned to love education and learned to be a better person. At SUU I found the love of my life and I would never change any of my time going to school. My dreams have been to teach, I get to be the most important teacher in a persons life, a mother. I get to be the first teacher she ever has and hopefully if I do a good enough job she will want to come back for more! I have always wanted to be a leader and I get to be the most important leader and example I could ever be. I can be an example to Olivia I can help lead her to be a strong woman with good desires and aspirations. So to anyone who wonders (I don't know if anyone does) I am living my dreams, actually I am living better then my dreams I am a mother, a wife, a friend!
Thanks for letting me ramble. Thank you all for your support and your love. I sure do appreciate having such amazing friends and family.
This post is to let out some of my ramblings in my head. First and foremost life is good. I have no reason to complain, I am blessed!
Things that have been going through my head are things like what are you doing with your life. I look at my precious baby girl and know what I am doing with my life, but for some reason (my mom blames it on her) I think I need to be doing more more more. I feel like I should be working and that my life needs to be so busy I want to pull my hair out or something. Well, I know I don't need to be like this, but it is like etched into my brain that that is how I work. Really I had Graydin and took a few days off and was back to work and school and then I had Alice and I hardly took any time at all off. I know the situation is different because Olivia is here, but I guess my brain tells me time to work! I had to go back into my old job the other day and I didn't know how to feel. I was so torn being there. It made me feel like I was a part of something again, but then as I walked out and went to my car I realized that, that is not my life anymore. My life is Olivia, my life is being a mother, my life is remembering and celebrating all of my children, my life is striving to be better each day so I can be with my sweet babies again, my life is different now.
When comments are made like "you wasted your time going to school" or "what are you doing with your life" it makes me think and sometimes I wonder if I did waste my time or forget my 'dreams' and as I ponder and think and listen I know what the answer is. I DID NOT waste my time. My time at SUU was amazing, I made some of the bestest friends I have today, I learned to serve, I learned to lead, I learned to love education and learned to be a better person. At SUU I found the love of my life and I would never change any of my time going to school. My dreams have been to teach, I get to be the most important teacher in a persons life, a mother. I get to be the first teacher she ever has and hopefully if I do a good enough job she will want to come back for more! I have always wanted to be a leader and I get to be the most important leader and example I could ever be. I can be an example to Olivia I can help lead her to be a strong woman with good desires and aspirations. So to anyone who wonders (I don't know if anyone does) I am living my dreams, actually I am living better then my dreams I am a mother, a wife, a friend!
Thanks for letting me ramble. Thank you all for your support and your love. I sure do appreciate having such amazing friends and family.
Monday, January 23, 2012
LOVE OUR FRIENDS!
On Friday we got to go to lunch with some our our NICU staff and NICU moms. It was great! And it was so great that we are going to do it more! Scarlett took some pictures at lunch, when I get them I'll put them on the blog. After lunch we dropped somethings off at the NICU and got to see some of our favorite people.
Nurse Marnie, with her cute new hair. And look they match!
Nurse Lauren was there, which was so great because she is a night nurse so we don't see her usually when we come in. Loved seeing her and her cute pregnant self!
OT KerryAnn (sorry if I spelled it wrong) was there and in the back you can see Jodi. We also saw Dr. Ridout and Miquelle and Tami and Sandy and Marv. So good to see our good friends.
Olivia got to see her good friend NNP Tina, if you remember she was the one who took the CPAP off and put her on high flow (well Greg actually did it). So, Olivia was so excited to see her.
There they are! So darling!
What a great surprise! That is little Sam! One of our triplet friends. When we were leaving his mama Sarah Jane and him were walking in to see brother. It was so great to see them. Look at how big these babies are. They were born on the same day and they are both doing SO well.
Olivia fits into a 0-3 dress! We tried it on and it fit and good thing she got dressed up because she got a surprise visitor... WESTON!
Olivia and Weston are buddies for life. They where just looking at each other and Weston was totally trying to get Olivia to play, but she is not quite as developed as he is yet.
SO DANG CUTE!
Olivia was not sure how to be social with another baby, but she'll learn soon enough Weston and she'll be over to play.
Olivia getting tired...
Olivia getting mad. :)
These are our new friends Joe, Jessica and Weston. It was a blessing we met them in the NICU because they are great friends. We are sad that babies have to go to the NICU, but we are glad we can be friends with this amazing family. Thanks for a fun Saturday!
SUNDAY DINNER- I made pork pad Thai from scratch! It was pretty good, there are a few things I could improve, but over all we like it.
Shayla liked it, she came over and hung out and I figured I could feed her too. She's great, wish Jenni could have stayed I would have made her some without meat!
Looks like Tayce like it. Well folks my baby is calling for me, love ya all! :)
Friday, January 20, 2012
Santaquin Adventure and more...
On Friday we got to go spend the day with Grandma Jo while Tayce was at school. Oh what fun! It was amazing to be able to spend time with my Grandma with out so many distraction it made my day and really actually my year to be able to do so. Love you Grandma Jo!
On Saturday we hung out with Grandma Nae and Riley for the day, I got my hair done and Olivia met some more people that were so excited to see her. We got to go to Tayce's brothers house in Payson and spend some time there with some of our nieces. (I've got funny stories about Olivia and Riley, but the pictures are on my mom's camera so it will have to wait until I get them.)
Fun times! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. Every day Olivia gets cuter and more fun. She makes my heart melt and I feel so privileged to be her mother. What a blessing to be able to have a child, I will forever be grateful for this miracle in my life. LOVE YOU OLIVIA!
If you are an avid reader of the blog, look forward to pictures and stories of Olivia and Riley and Olivia's first lunch date with her buddy Weston! :) Have a great weekend!
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